Reflections of a Prisoner

God used my down time with bronchitis as an opportunity to knock on my heart. I have spent the last 3 weeks battling against a cough, fatigue, mood swings caused by dreary days and low energy…and did I mention fatigue? All because I have bronchitis. This past weekend I was forced by my Chilean mother to spend an entire day in bed. As relaxing as this sounds, it was dreadful. I had too much time to myself to think about my current predicament. I was livid. Here I am in a foreign country, supposed to be having the time of my life and no. I am in bed. And my participation in activities has been “limited” at best. So I thought to myself, I have spent a ton of money to have fun for 2 weeks, get bronchitis for 3-4ish weeks, all the while sitting a house that I am still not comfortable with, without a couch that I can sprawl on, without a mom to snuggle with and make things better. Meanwhile everyone and their dog is out and about, running around in MY South America living MY adventures in MY time. I was depressed to say the least. All I could do was reflect on my time here (almost a month and a half) and think about all of the ways that I had not lived up to my potential here. I haven’t been to Argentina yet, I haven’t surfed, gone hiking, gone exploring, gone out for a fun night,  met and talked with a random Chilean, explored the cerros, learned how to salsa, and all sorts of other things that I pictured myself doing. And then it hit me: I had prepared myself for this trip by not thinking about the country because the best way to not be let down is to not have expectations right? And I successfully avoided thinking about the actual country of Chile before I left ...but I did picture myself and the adventures that I would have like a 3^rd grader dreams about playing in the sprinkler in the summer, all day everyday. So I didn’t have expectations for this country but I had expectations for myself.

            So this knocking on my heart… God asks: why are you so frustrated right now? (this wasn’t a literal voice, a booming and obvious “thus declares the Lord” moment. But in retrospect I realize that the Holy Spirit (God) brought this question to my mind because I needed to be set straight)

Beyond the obvious answer to this question: I'm frustrated from being sick and not having a familiar place to recuperate, why was I frustrated to the point of tears? Why was I “crying mad” at my situation?

Because I’m not living up to the expectations that I had for myself. I have such great dreams for myself, which is always a good thing. Having confidence in your abilities to accomplish your goals is a good attribute to have. But like all things in life, my bravery was not as it appeared. To me it was brave to face the unknown of another country. To experience Chilean culture and become a part of it. But now that I’m here I've realized that I'm not scared to be here but I am afraid to participate in the culture. I’m scared to embrace the cultural opportunities for fear of faliure. It is no secret that my greatest pet peeve/fear in life is to feel stupid. So I’m scared to talk to Chileans because I don’t want to be embarrassed by my Spanish skills. I haven’t gone out for a night on the town because I wont take the initiative to hang out with people outside of my closest friends group because it might be uncomfortable. I’m afraid to go play a pick up game of soccer because I don’t want it to be awkward. I’m mad because I’m not as brave as I thought I was. I’m not brave enough to live up to my expectations for my life.

But that isn’t the point is it? My expectations don’t matter. I need to strive to live up to the expectations that God has set before me. I need to strive to be the greatest woman of God that I can be. The question isn’t what do I want from my life? What do I picture myself doing here in Chile?

The question is: How can I use the time that God has given me to glorify Him and become more like the woman that He created me to be?

This trip is such a growing experience. One day I am in love with my trip and the next I am ready to pack up and quit. God is using these deep and dark lows and incredible highs in my life to show me a little more about Him and myself. I will never be enough. Ever. I try and I fail every time. But with Christ I can be everything that I was ever supposed to be. I can fulfill a sure purpose in every situation that I am placed in. This down time was a wake up call. A chance to remove myself from the action and ask myself why I am here and what is my motivation for what I am doing? An opportunity to humble my selfish ambitions and direct my eyes to Christ. To remind me that my value DOES NOT LIE IN MY ACCOMPLISHENTS. I am not any more loveable because I have hiked a particular mountain or have crossed a particular country’s border. It is not what I have done but who I am in Christ that gives me value and a purpose. I can not be loved for what I have done but for who I am.

I can never be greater than the woman that God wants me to be.

I can never be a great woman without the grace of God.

I can never find real fulfillment in anything but Him.